We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
This is the prime rib incident all over again
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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