There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
He felt like a one man threesome
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
