btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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