I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
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