I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
