im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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