my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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