HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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