nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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