ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
