can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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