yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
