OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
