what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
