Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Randomize
