The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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