I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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