there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
