so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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