So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
you're hired as official boob wrangler
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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