So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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