i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
