you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
