I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
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