So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
