i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
