I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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