and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
