Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
