please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
