This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
