I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
