can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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