She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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