i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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