So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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