yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
