Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
