It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Terrible idea I love it
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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