Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
