Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
