How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
