I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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