He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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