dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
