Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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