i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
