Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
