Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
