I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
