Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
