I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
