captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
